Turmoil
by Trapped in a MatchBox
Summary: Turmoil - a state of great commotion, confusion, or disturbance; tumult; agitation; disquiet; SPOILERS for 3x13.


**A/N: SPOILER ALERT. This little one-shot is based on a promotional photo for episode 3x13 that was released last Friday. If you haven't seen it or don't want to be spoiled, I suggest you stop right here. Although, I believe pretty much every Castle fan has seen it by now.**

**Don't say I didn't warn you. Please let me know what you think.**

**Disclaimer: Anything you recognize is not mine.**

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_ Turmoil_

_1. __a state of great commotion, confusion, or disturbance; tumult; agitation; disquiet: mental turmoil caused by difficult decisions. _

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It felt like it was ten years ago all over again.

It had been two days since Captain Montgomery had called her into his office to inform her that they had a new lead about her mother's murder. Two days and she still felt like she couldn't breathe. Every time she dared to look into her mother's case, dared to reopen her not really healed wounds, her body and mind reacted the same way.

For one, she felt like there was an elephant sitting on her chest and she couldn't quite catch her breath; she couldn't sleep because nightmares of that fateful night kept her awake. She barely ate; her stomach felt like it was always in knots. Not to mention the constant knot in her throat that threatened to open the floodgates at any given moment.

It hurt too much. Even after all these years, it still felt like it had just happened yesterday. She knew she was a mess. She knew everyone knew she was barely holding herself together. When she was at work, it seemed like she had to keep her arms around herself all the time. If she dared to relax for even a second, she would shatter into a million pieces. So she kept her strong façade, only allowing herself to shed a few tears when she was in the solitude of her home; and even that only happened the night the Captain dropped the bomb on her.

Last night, however, Josh had showed up unannounced and she hadn't had the heart to send him away. In fact, she welcomed the distraction. Anything to keep those horrible images from her mind. He noticed there was something wrong with her, but she couldn't bring herself to tell him. They have been dating for six months and she still hasn't told him her mom had been murdered. He knows her mother has passed away, but Kate never elaborated on how it happened. She hadn't wanted to open that particular can of worms and let him see just how damaged she really was.

She still didn't know what possessed her to tell Castle all those months ago. She usually doesn't share that particular tidbit about her life with just anyone. Speaking of Castle, he has been acting surprisingly serious and mature about this whole situation and she was eternally grateful for it. He has hung around late for the past couple of days, brought her coffee, built theory with her and even made sure she was eating properly. And when no one was around, he would touch her shoulder or squeeze her hand to let her know he was there and she could count on him.

He really was her best friend and she wasn't sure she would have made through this ordeal again without him. That afternoon, they had finally gotten a substantial lead on their suspect, so she and Castle were sitting in her car near the guy's apartment building. They had been waiting for the past three hours and the tension was starting to overwhelm her.

It was close to midnight when Esposito called her. Their suspect had been found dead earlier that evening and they had just heard about it. She felt the oxygen leaving her lungs and she couldn't seem to be able to catch her breath. She passed the news to Castle quickly and suggested they should probably go home. Through her entire speech she kept her voice steady, even though her entire being was collapsing from inside out. That excruciating pain was starting to consume her all over again.

When she didn't make any movement to start the car, Castle touched her hand and asked her if she was alright. She recoiled from his touch; she couldn't take his sympathy now. She knew he was concerned about her, but if his hand had stayed on hers for a second longer, she would have broken down and she didn't want to do that in front of him.

So she opened her door and got out of the car, leaving a confused and concerned Castle behind. He followed her – obviously – and grabbed her wrist, making her turn around to face him.

"Kate?" he asked quietly.

God, did he have any idea what that – him calling her by her first name – did to her? She was fighting hard enough to keep herself cool and collected as it was.

"No, Castle, I'm not alright." Her voice came out harsher than she had intended to, but she was angry – no, scratch that, she was _furious_ – and she had to lash out at someone. Castle just happened to be the closest target. "I'm not okay because that was my last chance to catch this son of a bitch. It's over and I have failed her yet again."

She ran a hand through her hair agitatedly and he touched her shoulder, giving it a light squeeze.

"It's not over, Kate. We don't even know if it was really him. He was just a suspect." He told her quietly, but she shook her head stubbornly.

"That's just it, though, isn't it? We're back to square one. And if it really was him or if he had information, then we will never know because now he's dead." Kate spat out angrily.

She tried to step away from him, but he grabbed her wrist again.

"Listen to me. We're going to catch this guy. Whoever he is, wherever he is, we're going to find him and you're going to put him behind bars to rot away for the rest of his life for taking your mother away from you. I promise you we'll find him." He said firmly and touched her cheek, attempting to give her a bit of comfort. She leaned into his touch and closed her eyes.

"I don't think I'm strong enough to go through this again." Her voice came out so quietly that it was barely a whisper. "It hurts too much." She opened her eyes and fought hard to keep the tears at bay.

"Kate, you're the strongest woman I have ever met. If anyone can do this, it's you. And I'll be with you every step of the way. I'll do everything in my power to help you, I promise."

She nodded and looked up at him.

"Promise?" She asked, almost childlike. He gave her a sad smile and pulled her into a hug.

"Cross my heart." He said against her hair. She pulled away slightly to look at him again. "You know I'd do anything for you." He leaned closer to her and placed a kiss on her cheek, dangerously close to her mouth.

His lips lingered on her cheek a bit longer than strictly necessary, but she didn't pull away. This was exactly what she needed. A little comfort and someone who understood to hold on to. When she felt his lips touching hers, she was startled at first, but responded after a moment. It was a chaste, gentle kiss that ended entirely too soon.

Castle pulled away and when she finally opened her eyes, his face was barely an inch away from hers. His eyes searched hers, trying to gauge her reaction. She offered him a small smile to let him know it was okay and felt him relax. He pushed a loose strand of her hair behind her ear with a small smile of his own, and she closed the distance between them again.

This time their kiss was more passionate as Kate poured the insane turmoil of feelings going through her heart and mind into it. When she felt his tongue brush against her bottom lip, she granted him access so their tongues could duel for a moment. He pulled her closer and she wrapped her arms around his neck, her fingers threading through his hair.

She pulled away for a moment to catch her breath and the tender look in his eyes was her undoing. He smiled at her and caressed her neck gently. She took a deep breath, trying to pull herself together, but her breathing came out shakily. She bit on her lip hard to keep from crying and he slowly pulled her into a hug.

His hands rubbed soothing circles on her back and she wrapped her arms tightly around his waist, as if he was the only thing keeping her above the surface. Swallowing hard, she tried to blink her tears away. He kissed her hair and hugged her tighter, whispering in her ear that she could let it all out, he was right there with her.

And she finally allowed herself to cry.

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**Is it January yet?**


End file.
